Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Watermelon Muffins From Hell

I’ve been getting cocky lately. I’ve had so few kitchen mishaps that I’ve been darn near considering myself an expert cook/baker. Things have been turning out so well: I haven’t set anything on fire, I’ve only set off the smoke detector a few times (and really it’s not my fault, the stupid thing is quite finicky), and all meals have been more than just edible they’ve actually been good. I guess I needed a good dose of reality to bring me back down to earth. Enter in Watermelon Muffins from Hell.

Don't be fooled by that cute little heart shaped muffin on the left, 
he's just as evil tasting as the others.

If I was being graded on my cooking/baking skills, today’s report card would look like this: FAILS TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS!!! F- 
Oh I was so excited to make these muffins. I had my farm share watermelon sitting in the fridge eager and waiting. I bough all the necessary ingredients – even if it meant going down to the corner store when at the last minute I realized I didn’t have baking powder. I didn’t even try to fudge it and just go without like I might have in the past! I really tried! I popped them into the oven and I watched as they rose, and then to my horror they sunk in the middle like there was a black hole sucking the tops down towards the bottom of the pan. What’s happening? I wondered. Perhaps it was a side effect of the watermelon? No worries, I thought, I bet they will turn out ok in the end.

Then came the taste test. They smelled good. But boy were they were ugly. It’s inner beauty that counts though, right? And then I got cocky again. I mentally prepared to title this blog post “Inner Beauty” and wax on about how these muffins ‘aint winning any beauty pageants but how wonderfully delicious they are. I had all my metaphors about muffins and life lined up. But let me tell you something, when a muffin is ugly on the outside sometimes it’s ugly on the inside too. These muffins tasted like sin. Well, I guess that’s a big over dramatic. They didn’t taste like muffins, I can tell you that. They tasted disgusting. Bitter, strange, and like chemicals. Like nothing I’ve ever tasted before.

So what went wrong? What I have since pieced together is that it all came down to one simple little letter: a B. I was so excited to make these muffins, and I was in a rush because I needed to get back to work, and I just didn’t pay attention. Listen kids, tbs does not a tsp equal.

I deduced that the disgusting flavor that I tasted was the near doubled amount of both baking soda and baking powder. While the recipe called for a TEA SPOON of baking powder and two TEA SPOONS of baking soda, in my stupidity I used TABLE SPOONS. Gah! Well at least I learned something today, following directions is important. I’ve been considering taking some cooking classes at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education, if this doesn’t confirm my belief that I am in dire need of them than I don’t know what does.

These muffins aren’t even remotely salvageable. To the trash with thee! Muffin fail.
If you would like to try your hand at the recipe here it is, compliments of Healthy Home Recipes:

Ingredients -- 

  • 1/2 cup Flour
  • 2 tsp Baking soda
  • 1 tsp Baking powder
  • 1 pinch Salt
  • 1/8 tsp Cinnamon
  • 6 tbsp Butter, room temperature
  • 2/3 cup Sugar
  • 2 Eggs
  • 1/2 cup Milk
  • 1/2 cup Watermelon juice
  • 1/2 cup Watermelon pulp
  • 1/2 cup Raisins

Instructions --

  • Sift flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in large bowl.
  • Cream butter and sugar; add eggs.
  • Whip in milk, juice, pulp and raisins.
  • Add wet mixture to dry ingredients; blend just to incorporate.
  • Fill greased muffin cups 2/3 full.
  • Bake 25 minutes.

Transfer to wire rack; cool.
Note: a few drops of red food color can be added for a watermelon color.


  1. We all have days like this. Never fear! The next recipe will go better..........

  2. Sadly I have another whole watermelon in my fridge and I ALMOST decided to try again, but I just didn't have the heart to.

  3. This is very very late - but thought I would tell you, the recipe is messed up. You need 1 and 1/2 cup flour. 2 teaspoons Baking Powder, 1 teaspoon Baking Soda (you have them crossed up above) and this would be awful. Other than that, I have not made them, but am on my way to try the corrected recipe. Will see how it does with the changes.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. What a hilarious slice of writing! I don't bake. I ended up here because I frequently record thoughts that pop into my head that I think are funny to have a head start l in case I ever decide pursue stand-up or humor writing as I sometimes am inclined to do. I don't even remember why the words watermelon muffins combined in my head but I laughed out loud and had to google it and see if it was really a thing. Leave it to the Internet... Anyway, great post.


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